Walking Through the Tunnel

I can't fully believe that I have already been in Peru for over two weeks. It feels so normal now! However, the first week of work did go by pretty slowly last week, so I am wondering if every week will feel like that!
The work week was not as difficult as I had prepared myself for it to be, which was awesome. When I got here, I was feeling pretty nervous to be a coordinator, not knowing exactly how I would handle the new responsibilities and the different feel from last year. However, I have been enjoying my position a lot so far. I have been able to see a lot of behind-the-scenes work that goes into running a non-profit of this nature, and it is super fascinating to me. There is just so much to constantly think about to keep things afloat! It's crazy to me! I have been learning more about how to make sure the volunteers feel comfortable and heard and also more about how to use social media to spread interest in our program and keep people informed. With that, I have been taking many, many pictures of the volunteers doing various things, and I have been really happy to have a reason to consistently engage in one of my favorite hobbies!
I have been getting to know a lot of the volunteers pretty well, which I really love. I spent an entire morning with three of the girls in the program who are all teaching English in a school, which was so great! I loved helping participate in their planning for teaching kids different animals, phrases, and colors and watching them as they executed it in the classroom. I just really love teaching, and I feel so comfortable in a classroom full of little 6-10 year-olds, so I loved helping! We have also had quite a few volunteers come down with really bad diarrhea (sorry- got to say it!) and nausea because of being in a different country with unclean water, so I have become very comfortable with listening to everyone's various bowel problems. I'm basically an expert in the matter now, so call me any time. Actually, please don't....haha.
When I have not been working in the office or attending the different classes and planning sessions the volunteers have, I have been sleeping, watching some Netflix (the options on Netflix in Peru are SO much better than the States'!), meeting up with friends from last year, and practicing my cello (or at least thinking about it...). I also attended my first Bible study in Spanish last week, which was so great! It was such a blessing because there is another Midwesterner American here for the summer who is fluent in Spanish, so she helped translate some things, and we were able to talk a little. I could understand about 85% of what was said during the study, though! My Spanish is definitely getting better each day.
After the long week of work, I spent the weekend in a beach town two hours from Trujillo, called Pacasmayo. It was a great weekend! We stayed in a great hostel, ate delicious food, tanned on the beach (I actually tanned a little bit!), walked around the town, and ran in the marathon! And when I say "ran in the marathon", I mean that everyone else in my group ran. And then four of us sort of walked most of it, if not all of it. I showed up to the race fully pumped to run my second 5K, but I was also aware that I hadn't been exercising at all since being here and had been eating almost nothing but carbs and manjar blanco! So I attempted to run for a while, got tired and dizzy, tried again, had chest pain, and eventually gave up- the usual. I finally found another friend halfway through, and we talked and walked the rest of the way. We both sprinted to the finish line and legitimately finished our 5K as another guy in our group crossed the finish line for his 10K run...oops. We still beat him. It was definitely worth it and was super cool to take part in! But I really do miss running consistently! One part of the weekend that I loved, besides laying on the beach under the warmth of the sun, was when two friends and I walked through a cemetery close to the beach for a little while. The cemetery was beautifully designed, with gardens and flowers hanging on many gravestones, and we walked through it just as the sun was beginning to set over the ocean directly below. With the cool air sweeping around us as we lightly talked about life and death, it just hit me how many people are cared for in this world. See, as I get older, I'm starting to see how painful life is. I can see it in others' lives and hearts, and I can see that same dark pain in my own heart as I look at the world with slightly dimmer eyes as the years pass. I know I'm young and that I am still so naive, but that veil of unending hope and joy from childhood has definitely been torn, and I see a little clearer how this life works. And honestly, it's really hard. It's hard to feel happy and stay happy. It's hard to wake up feeling excited about your day, even if you're in the most beautiful place in the world with the people you love the most. I used to worry that there was something wrong with me, that this feeling wasn't normal. But whenever I talk to friends about it or family members (especially those who are older), I find that I'm not alone. So I am trying to accept the true fact that life isn't great all the time, that sometimes I will feel sad for no reason or when something terrible really hurts me. But the important part is to search for the beauty in those times and in the moments when things are okay. Even if it is for a few minutes. So walking through that cemetery, thinking about how all I really want is to make an impact in a few lives at least and be loved, gave me a little bit of hope.
And while I wasn't sure if I would ever share this part on my blog, I have discovered the past few days that being open and honest can be really healing for myself and for others. So I will say that I felt incredibly thankful to return to Peru this summer to see many beautiful things, but I also could not wait to return because I was hoping a change of scenery could provide great healing after a really hard break-up. And although I am sure that it would have been much harder to go through this process at home with nothing to do, it has definitely not been easy. There is a lot of pain that has been plaguing me here, which is really frustrating to me because all I honestly want is to go back to how I was last year- excited, positive, ready for every day, and happy with my life. I don't think I ever woke up or fell asleep one day last summer with the sadness or distress I feel now, and that really hurts to think about. But I think I am still so engulfed in the feelings that I can't see the necessity of it all. I'm not sure why certain things had to happen this year, but I have to believe (even if I really, truly don't believe it right now at all) that there was a good purpose, that there was and is a good God behind all of it. I am going to try to take a new approach from here on out and be more honest with people about how I'm doing, by really trying to run to God and let Him take my broken heart, and also to not pressure myself to be who I was last year. This is a stage in my life that will pass (hopefully sooner than later!), and it's not who I am. My identity is not in being single or taken, hurt or stable. I need to give Jesus my heart in this and keep walking forward, one dragging step at a time. With that, I am so grateful to have my sisters and friends who speak so much love and wisdom to me and my new friends here who are willing to meet me in such a fragile place at this time in my life. I really have a problem with being honest because I want to seem strong and put-together all the time, but who is actually strong and put-together all the time?! No one! So I need to give that up, and this is all part of that process. So I don't want this pain to take over every moment that I'm in Peru, but it's definitely part of my experience here. There is also light that is present in every darkness and hope in every hopeless situation, and his name is Jesus. So I'm going to try to hold onto Him, even if it just means whispering that I trust Him when my heart doesn't believe it. I have also noticed that as I have opened up to girls about this here, I discovered that most people at this point in our lives have experienced similar pain, and it is really healthy to be able to share with others and encourage one another. There is a lot of healing in being vulnerable, even when you're terrified to show people that you're a hot mess. I am a hot mess right now, but that's okay!! I know I have learned some valuable things from this unwanted heartache.
As this week begins, I want to savor any moments of peace, joy, and fulfillment I feel. I want to try to be present, to accept what I can't change, to pray like no other, and to focus more on my present life and nothing else. I have decided to apply for a class at a nearby college in Chicago to take a year-long course about El Sistema, the methodology I use to teach, and I am very excited to experience that! I have also been asked to take over DePaul's IAmDePaul Instagram account for this week, and they also want me to start writing on DePaul's DeBlog in the Fall, so I will keep you all updated on that!! But follow IAmDePaul on Instagram or check out my Facebook for all my pictures of Peru. :)
So, my lessons of the week? Life is hard. Pain is deep. Some people will unfathomably hurt you, but other people are always there to amazingly love you, encourage you, and hold you. Seek the Truth of Jesus' unending love, and hold onto that for dear life. And play with animals and hike if nothing else works. ;)