Let it Go

Wow, it has been a while since I have written! And so much has happened in my little South American adventure!
So my first session here has now ended, and my second and final session for the summer begins tomorrow as 5 new volunteers arrive to Trujillo in the morning! I'm excited to meet new volunteers and to have such a small group (classic introvert- need small groups, need small groups!!!), but I dearly miss the volunteers from last session. I made some great friendships with a lot of the people, and I am continuously amazed by the uniqueness of every human being on this planet. It's also crazy to me that people from all over the States can come together and bond so quickly while placed in a different country and culture for a month. I formed a close bond with girls who are in a very similar place in their lives as I am- getting ready for senior year, wondering about the future, going through relational hardships- and it is so comforting to have someone who can be there to listen and also legitimately say and mean, "I'm there, too. I understand". The way God created us to be in relationships with others is a true testimony to His love and desire to be in a relationship with us, which I am also continually reminded of as I have people loving on me, caring for me, cheering me on, and praying for me. So I am feeling very thankful for new friendships and for the potential of more, and I am also forever grateful for those old souls who have been in my life for a long time; I even sort of have this amazingly beautiful friend who knew me before I even existed in this world! And I've got to say that she has a pretty awesome twin. ;)
Today is not only significant because it is the eve of my last session for the summer, but today is also the day I returned from an incredible adventure in Ecuador!!! But let me back up and build some suspense.
Before Ecuador, I traveled to a beautiful city called Cajamarca with a group of volunteers during the last session. It was a great weekend trip, full of sightseeing, hiking, and good food. And soccer! Cajamarca is known for its rolling hills and its amazing dairy products, so I took advantage of both of those aspects. I saw ancient aqueducts and tombs used by the Incans, walked through a tiny cave, saw a NAKED PERUVIAN DOG, ate some incredible manjar, and- best of all- I pet COWS! Funny thing about the naked Peruvian dog sighting- I had seen a few of these dogs last year in ruins we walked through, but I had yet to have seen one this year. And then, lo and behold, my friend spotted one in the main plaza in Cajamarca, walking on a leash with her Peruvian owner! So we stopped the owner, a really nice girl who also miraculously spoke English, and pet her dog and took many selfies with it. It was incredible!!! Day made. However, this was topped later that day when a few of us went to a dairy farm during one of our tours just outside the city. After we rode horses across a bridge and walked through gorgeous gardens, we were able to go into a very tiny barn- full of cows. We all got so excited to enter this sea of cows who were all standing inches from us on either side, that we walked right into the barn. What I did not realize about cows, though, is that they like to chew. Anything. Especially sweaters and hair. So I have quite a few great pictures of my friends being grabbed by these crazed cows by the fur of their llama sweaters. So funny! I didn't dare go fully into that barn after I witnessed that. However, I decided it would be a great idea to get face-to-face with one just outside the barn for a picture. A friend took the picture of me and this cow, Clara, and just as I was done smiling for the picture, Clara attacked my hair with a vengeance and yanked as hard as her little rubbery nose would help her. I screamed, already picturing myself with this huge bald spot on the right side of my head, and pulled my hair from her ironclad mouth. Ouch. But that was totally worth it- when I looked at the picture later, I could see that she was just about to do that. The look of desperation in her eyes to eat my hair is entertaining enough to make it all comical. Besides that, I also attended a fútbol (soccer) game played between Cajamarca and Lima while I was visiting and then watched the World Cup Final the next day! So much fútbol. We also toured a zoo in Cajamarca that was nestled in a village built and habituated by a group of Christians. It was so beautiful there, especially because the land was decorated with the most majestic adornment of all- the llama. Well, a few friends and I got so overly obsessed about taking pictures with all the llamas that we got behind the rest of our tour group. After 20 minutes of llama photoshoot action, we realized that we were desperately lost and alone, and another girl and I (who is also a coordinator- it's just our natural instinct!) herded the others rapidly through the zoo so we could catch up with the group. We ended up passing all the other animals without stopping and were very proud of ourselves when we found the exit. Until we realized that our group wasn't there but was still inside. And they remained inside, looking at the monkeys, the jaguars, and whatever else was cool in there for the next 40 minutes. Oops. At least we felt a sense of efficiency at the time. Our last big excitement of the weekend was making the lovely discovery that four of the girls in our group who were staying in a different room got bed bugs...that was not a fun situation, but it is interesting because I was very close to choosing that room to sleep in. Phew!
The next weekend was also another adventurous one, in a different way. I took a bus for two hours with my Peruvian friend I met in orchestra last year, Paul, to a city called Chimbote and finally saw Peru's El Sistema methods at work! It was so great. I spent the whole day in Chimbote's cultural center, sitting in the cello sections with high schoolers as Paul conducted and led all the rehearsals- impressive! I then talked to the director, and she seemed thrilled to have me be their cello teacher for the last month I am here. So starting next weekend, here I come, Peruvian El Sistema! I can't wait to see how that goes and to get back into teaching. I miss the musical parts of my life!
And although I have been very busy working and also having lots of fun, I have found some time to make music. There was a fellow music performance major here last session, and he and I put together a little recital for the other volunteers our last week all together. Miraculously enough, it ended up being a hit!!! He plays french horn, so we found an interesting contemporary duet to play together, and I then played cello duets with two other people who happened to play cello- a volunteer and VivePeru's director! It was so fun. After that, the volunteers wanted to hear more...and let's be honest, I really missed playing, so I kept going. It was a really cool experience to play for a mostly musically-uneducated audience and see the music from their perspective. I played the preludes to the first and fifth Bach suites and asked everyone both times to turn off the lights and close their eyes as I played. And then afterwards we talked about different images or emotions that came to mind as the music flowed. I really loved it because even though the prideful part of me wants it to be all about me and "my talent", it was more about this beautiful creation- the language of music- and how it can change how we feel, how we see things, how we view moments in life. And I love educating people about that and opening their eyes to that because I know we are all capable of feeling it and really hearing the music- not just the notes, but the music. So that was a very special performance for me!
The volunteers from the session all left for Machu Picchu later that week, and as they bussed to Lima to catch their flight, my roommate, Lia and I bussed to Ecuador!!! So, why Ecuador? How did this happen?! Well, my bosses told me I would have about five days off in between the two sessions and that I could do whatever I pleased. I thought about many hypothetical situations- I could go back to Huaráz, a city surrounded by glaciers I went to last year. I could try to make it to the Amazon and finally hold a monkey. I could sleep and watch Netflix and hang out in Trujillo by myself for a week (which seemed to be my only option for a while)...or I could travel north by bus and find adventure in Ecuador! And thankfully, my roommate is also staying for this last session, and she was also on board with this idea. So Lia and I embarked on our incredible adventure to Baños, Ecuador- a beautiful, gorgeous tourist town full of amazing activities- on Thursday night. And we arrived there Saturday morning. Rough. We ended up taking two buses and four taxis and traveled for 30 hours total, each way. Talk about a long couple of days! But thankfully, the traveling went smoothly both on the way there and back! We crossed the border and went through immigration, got to our amazing hostel (seriously- if you ever go to Baños, stay at Hostal Erupción! And GO TO BAÑOS!), and began our few days of bucket-list-type adventures. Baños is not only beautiful and safe, but it has many thrilling activities that are also very cheap. So after this past week, I have now seen many beautiful waterfalls, gone ziplining multiple times, cascaded down a waterfall by rope (and nearly drowned...oopsies), swung into clouds and mountains, been near an active volcano, bungee jumped, and I may or may not have been hit on by a couple Ecuadorians...haha! Oh South America. I also spent many special moments with the precious hostel bulldog, Google. He was so cute and cuddly!!! I really loved meeting a lot of other people from different places in Baños. I talked with people from New Zealand, France, Germany, Ireland, southern Illinois, and Michigan! Those Illinois and Michigan people...so exotic! I actually went ziplining with a group of Michiganders, which was sort of a strange experience- of all the people to meet in Ecuador, I ended up talking with these people about Hope College and University of Michigan (sorry, Dad- GO BUCKS!)! After pumping so much adrenaline for three days straight, it all caught up to me in a bad way. I have been sick to my stomach for the past three days now, which really made those two days of travel back to Trujillo extra thrilling. Especially since you are not allowed to use the bathroom for...that type of waste...on either of the buses I was on! A bit graphic, but it's just too awful to not admit. It was a tough 30 hours of travel back. That, coupled with the Psycho/Saw-esque hostel Lia and I spent our 12-hour layover in as we waited for our second bus, really made me eager to get home! I was so tired from our fun excursions and from being sick that I ended up sleeping on that nasty hostel floor on top of a tiny towel. I have yet to find any disturbing bugs crawling on me or in my clothes, so I think I'm okay! Totally worth it. Besides discovering that I can pretty much fall asleep anywhere- be it in a hostel fit for a horror movie, a bus station sitting up, a bus, a taxi...I have also returned to Trujillo having learned something new about myself: I have a very adventurous spirit. I guess I should have deduced that after I decided to fly to South America on my own and live with a bunch of strangers for the first time last summer and then decided to fly to South America on my own and take care of a bunch of strangers this summer, but I didn't fully see that this is something unique within me. Not everyone has this desire to see the world, to meet people from different places, to experience new cultures in a hands-on way, and to do crazy-risky things that some may call "dangerous". I didn't know that I was an adrenaline junkie, that I would love staying in hostels and becoming friends with random strangers from all over the world, that I would be open to eating new foods that at some point could have been my pet, or that I would be willing to travel long periods of time to spend a few days in a piece of paradise. I really saw those things blossom within me last summer, and they have grown even stronger this summer. And it excites me. That might not seem like a big deal, but it's huge when you have another person with your same exact DNA. Being a twin is amazing, as I mentioned earlier how thankful I am for my zygote, Rachel, but it has also impacted me a lot. Because we always spent every moment together, doing the same things growing up, I got used to having an identical clone. Before college, both Rachel and I can attest that it felt like we were just two copies of the same VHS tape. And although it bothered us at times, although we craved for our own identities, neither she nor I knew what that meant. I literally did not know what it meant to be Ruth. I always heard "Rachel" paired with my name. "The Hogle twins" was our nickname, and we hated it but also didn't know what else we could or should be. And yet by high school graduation, Rachel and I both felt that this craving for independence was stronger than our shared fear of figuring life out without each other. And so we split up. I blew up Chicago, and she took over Cleveland. And freshman year- well, that was a hot mess. Talk about crying everywhere- my dorm room, the dorm lounge, practice rooms (my personal favorite, since DePaul's practice rooms are completely see-through! Where else am I supposed to have my "me time" to have a breakdown in privacy?! Not cool.), outside, inside, everywhere. We were both messes living without one another. But it wasn't just that. We were also just falling apart because neither of us had ever known how to stand on our own- how to be our own. Suddenly, I was just Ruth. I wasn't known as someone's twin anymore. And every time Rachel and I came together since our split, people began to point out new differences. And that terrified me. It terrified her. Eventually, however, we did what I'm assuming most singletons (non-twins) do around the time they hit puberty- we both began to embrace our separate and growing identities. I literally entered college having no idea who I was, except for the memorized facts I had already stored in my brain about myself. So the past three years have really been a huge, HUGE time of growth for both of us as we find out who we both are. And it's still scary a lot of the time. It's the continual double-edged sword: you don't want to be the same because you want to feel unique and special, but it's terrifying to be different because that means people see differences in you that usually equate to one being the "better" version of the other. It's rough. But in all of that, Rachel and I are still learning to embrace our differences and cherish our similarities. For me, Peru has been a tremendous time for growth and identity-finding. I now know that I love learning Spanish (thank goodness, since I still have a lot to learn!). I love traveling, and I can even do it on my own and not feel lonely or scared. I am a newfound adrenaline junky. I love teaching music. I love meeting people from different places. And I can be very strong and independent if I need to be. I learned all those things about myself after spending these two summers here. What a treasure! It's definitely been very difficult and will remain hard as my differences with Rachel will increase, but it's such a gift to discover myself in such a profound and unique way. And I am so grateful to have spent this time in Peru in such a pivotal point in my life. It will forever impact me, as it has mainly taught me that God gave me the most special gift He could give me- another human who understands me and loves me in a way I will never experience with anyone else. And still- better yet!- a separate identity in Him. My own name, my own personality traits, my own dreams, my own timeline, my own path. It's thrilling! So here's to another month of self-discovery.
Hi. My name is Ruth, and I love opening my eyes to see what the world holds.

Walking Through the Tunnel

I can't fully believe that I have already been in Peru for over two weeks. It feels so normal now! However, the first week of work did go by pretty slowly last week, so I am wondering if every week will feel like that!
The work week was not as difficult as I had prepared myself for it to be, which was awesome. When I got here, I was feeling pretty nervous to be a coordinator, not knowing exactly how I would handle the new responsibilities and the different feel from last year. However, I have been enjoying my position a lot so far. I have been able to see a lot of behind-the-scenes work that goes into running a non-profit of this nature, and it is super fascinating to me. There is just so much to constantly think about to keep things afloat! It's crazy to me! I have been learning more about how to make sure the volunteers feel comfortable and heard and also more about how to use social media to spread interest in our program and keep people informed. With that, I have been taking many, many pictures of the volunteers doing various things, and I have been really happy to have a reason to consistently engage in one of my favorite hobbies!
I have been getting to know a lot of the volunteers pretty well, which I really love. I spent an entire morning with three of the girls in the program who are all teaching English in a school, which was so great! I loved helping participate in their planning for teaching kids different animals, phrases, and colors and watching them as they executed it in the classroom. I just really love teaching, and I feel so comfortable in a classroom full of little 6-10 year-olds, so I loved helping! We have also had quite a few volunteers come down with really bad diarrhea (sorry- got to say it!) and nausea because of being in a different country with unclean water, so I have become very comfortable with listening to everyone's various bowel problems. I'm basically an expert in the matter now, so call me any time. Actually, please don't....haha.
When I have not been working in the office or attending the different classes and planning sessions the volunteers have, I have been sleeping, watching some Netflix (the options on Netflix in Peru are SO much better than the States'!), meeting up with friends from last year, and practicing my cello (or at least thinking about it...). I also attended my first Bible study in Spanish last week, which was so great! It was such a blessing because there is another Midwesterner American here for the summer who is fluent in Spanish, so she helped translate some things, and we were able to talk a little. I could understand about 85% of what was said during the study, though! My Spanish is definitely getting better each day.
After the long week of work, I spent the weekend in a beach town two hours from Trujillo, called Pacasmayo. It was a great weekend! We stayed in a great hostel, ate delicious food, tanned on the beach (I actually tanned a little bit!), walked around the town, and ran in the marathon! And when I say "ran in the marathon", I mean that everyone else in my group ran. And then four of us sort of walked most of it, if not all of it. I showed up to the race fully pumped to run my second 5K, but I was also aware that I hadn't been exercising at all since being here and had been eating almost nothing but carbs and manjar blanco! So I attempted to run for a while, got tired and dizzy, tried again, had chest pain, and eventually gave up- the usual. I finally found another friend halfway through, and we talked and walked the rest of the way. We both sprinted to the finish line and legitimately finished our 5K as another guy in our group crossed the finish line for his 10K run...oops. We still beat him. It was definitely worth it and was super cool to take part in! But I really do miss running consistently! One part of the weekend that I loved, besides laying on the beach under the warmth of the sun, was when two friends and I walked through a cemetery close to the beach for a little while. The cemetery was beautifully designed, with gardens and flowers hanging on many gravestones, and we walked through it just as the sun was beginning to set over the ocean directly below. With the cool air sweeping around us as we lightly talked about life and death, it just hit me how many people are cared for in this world. See, as I get older, I'm starting to see how painful life is. I can see it in others' lives and hearts, and I can see that same dark pain in my own heart as I look at the world with slightly dimmer eyes as the years pass. I know I'm young and that I am still so naive, but that veil of unending hope and joy from childhood has definitely been torn, and I see a little clearer how this life works. And honestly, it's really hard. It's hard to feel happy and stay happy. It's hard to wake up feeling excited about your day, even if you're in the most beautiful place in the world with the people you love the most. I used to worry that there was something wrong with me, that this feeling wasn't normal. But whenever I talk to friends about it or family members (especially those who are older), I find that I'm not alone. So I am trying to accept the true fact that life isn't great all the time, that sometimes I will feel sad for no reason or when something terrible really hurts me. But the important part is to search for the beauty in those times and in the moments when things are okay. Even if it is for a few minutes. So walking through that cemetery, thinking about how all I really want is to make an impact in a few lives at least and be loved, gave me a little bit of hope.
And while I wasn't sure if I would ever share this part on my blog, I have discovered the past few days that being open and honest can be really healing for myself and for others. So I will say that I felt incredibly thankful to return to Peru this summer to see many beautiful things, but I also could not wait to return because I was hoping a change of scenery could provide great healing after a really hard break-up. And although I am sure that it would have been much harder to go through this process at home with nothing to do, it has definitely not been easy. There is a lot of pain that has been plaguing me here, which is really frustrating to me because all I honestly want is to go back to how I was last year- excited, positive, ready for every day, and happy with my life. I don't think I ever woke up or fell asleep one day last summer with the sadness or distress I feel now, and that really hurts to think about. But I think I am still so engulfed in the feelings that I can't see the necessity of it all. I'm not sure why certain things had to happen this year, but I have to believe (even if I really, truly don't believe it right now at all) that there was a good purpose, that there was and is a good God behind all of it. I am going to try to take a new approach from here on out and be more honest with people about how I'm doing, by really trying to run to God and let Him take my broken heart, and also to not pressure myself to be who I was last year. This is a stage in my life that will pass (hopefully sooner than later!), and it's not who I am. My identity is not in being single or taken, hurt or stable. I need to give Jesus my heart in this and keep walking forward, one dragging step at a time. With that, I am so grateful to have my sisters and friends who speak so much love and wisdom to me and my new friends here who are willing to meet me in such a fragile place at this time in my life. I really have a problem with being honest because I want to seem strong and put-together all the time, but who is actually strong and put-together all the time?! No one! So I need to give that up, and this is all part of that process. So I don't want this pain to take over every moment that I'm in Peru, but it's definitely part of my experience here. There is also light that is present in every darkness and hope in every hopeless situation, and his name is Jesus. So I'm going to try to hold onto Him, even if it just means whispering that I trust Him when my heart doesn't believe it. I have also noticed that as I have opened up to girls about this here, I discovered that most people at this point in our lives have experienced similar pain, and it is really healthy to be able to share with others and encourage one another. There is a lot of healing in being vulnerable, even when you're terrified to show people that you're a hot mess. I am a hot mess right now, but that's okay!! I know I have learned some valuable things from this unwanted heartache.
As this week begins, I want to savor any moments of peace, joy, and fulfillment I feel. I want to try to be present, to accept what I can't change, to pray like no other, and to focus more on my present life and nothing else. I have decided to apply for a class at a nearby college in Chicago to take a year-long course about El Sistema, the methodology I use to teach, and I am very excited to experience that! I have also been asked to take over DePaul's IAmDePaul Instagram account for this week, and they also want me to start writing on DePaul's DeBlog in the Fall, so I will keep you all updated on that!! But follow IAmDePaul on Instagram or check out my Facebook for all my pictures of Peru. :)
So, my lessons of the week? Life is hard. Pain is deep. Some people will unfathomably hurt you, but other people are always there to amazingly love you, encourage you, and hold you. Seek the Truth of Jesus' unending love, and hold onto that for dear life. And play with animals and hike if nothing else works. ;)